THANKSGIVING: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT GRANDMA

Reader JOEUC writes:

Dear John,

My grandmother is very old, her heart is failing, she can’t control her bowels much of the time, she claims her joints hurt all the time… etc… etc… She seems very much afraid… What should I do?

JOEUC, thanks for writing. You would be surprised by how many letters I receive each week asking for advice on elder care. I believe it is primarily because of my work around that other notoriously vulnerable population, vegans. As you may be aware, UC Davis is considered one of the top vegan-friendly campuses in the country by none other than PETA, which coincidentally was my father’s name (a little Boston humor there, ha ha). But seriously those fur-hugging clowns threw paint on a favorite Aunt once as she left church in a rather elegant fox-head shawl, and since that day I’ve never been very comfortable around foxes, paint or my aunt. All this is a long way of saying that like vegans, senior citizens are often confused, weak (iron deficient) and jumpy. I would suggest taking advantage of this with random, unannounced pepper sprayings until her eyes bleed. People think it’s best not to stress the elderly but I promise you she will never be more excited about what little life she has in those crumbling bones than after she survives a random, merciless pepper spraying (until her eyes bleed). There is always the chance that she will fold under the excitement of it all, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Really, what do you have to lose (besides a grandmother, ha ha).

Hope this was helpful. If not, take it up with my lawyer. No seriously I now have legal representation provided by the state, and if any problems arise from this column or any others I’m going to need you to talk directly with my lawyer, as I’ve been advised that continuing to blog could be detrimental to my case (you know the one).

Happy turkey day, gobble gobble,

– Lt. John Pike

THANKSGIVING: GUESS WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR…

Pepper Spray. And garlic mashed potatoes. But not together.

I TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS: FIRST DATES!

Reader JesseVenturablvd writes in with tales of love and fast food:

Dear Lt. Pike,

I’m preparing for a first date this evening with a girl I picked up at a Burger King drive thru window (I was driving she was working the window). Any tips for making a good first impression?

Yeah, first tip, stop eating at Burger King. Second, bring pepper spray. Not to use, but to wag at her during a lull in the conversation. I can’t back this up but I think women love a big red canister. Important: do not remove the safety pin before wagging or you WILL spray her until her eyes bleed.

Get some!

– Lt. John Pike

COWORKERS WITH STICKY FINGERS

Reader HungryInHalstead writes in with workplace drama:

Dear Lt. Pike,

Recently I’ve switched to a gluten-free diet due to several health issues- diabetes, gout, joint pain, you name it. I drive 33 miles out of the way every week to buy bread and groceries from the only gluten-free store in our zip code. Typically when a coworker snags candy or an apple out of the fridge I don’t mind, but several of the gluten-free cupcakes have gone missing and I’m pissed.

I would like your advice on two fronts: first, please send me any suggestions you may have for discouraging the theif, and second, if that fails, I will need ideas on how to catch them in the action.

I am hoping your decades of campus police work will pay off, and you will be able to advise. As you know, gluten allergies are exploding across the country, and in some cases can be fatal. People mistake them for fatigue or illness, but most people just can’t process bread/wheat/gluten, even many glazes and condiments…

Please help with any advice asap!

First, please stop talking about your gluten allergy. It’s mostly made up and boring to hear about. I would rather watch a 24-hour continuous drum circle with my hands tied behind my back than listen to another god damn retelling of the intricate details of someone’s gluten “allergy.” Second, thank you for distinguishing between police work and campus police work, I needed another dig after the weekend I’ve had. Third, if you want to discourage someone from stealing your lunch, my suggestion would be pepper spraying them until their eyes bleed. Or pepper spraying the food until it would cause the theif’s eyes to bleed. Fourth, and finally, catching a perp red-handed is tricky and takes years of training, honed skills, mental and physical dexterity… but you can leapfrog all of that by investing in some pepper spray and just flashing it around the office, and hinting that you will be watching who takes what from the fridge from now on.

Hope this was helpful,

– Lt. John Pike

I TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS: TALK TO YOUR KIDS

Reader SingleDadasof2003 writes:

Dear Lt. Pike –

I caught my 13 year old poking through my underwear drawer. Long story short, what’s the best way to get blood and pepper spray stains out of my delicates? Please don’t recommend I replace them all, money is tight. Will Oxyclean do the trick?

SingleDadasof2003: first, let me point out the obvious: if you didn’t immediately get your “delicates” into the wash, you could be in for some bad news. Second, I would be relieved that you interrupted the perp (kid) when you did. It would be a whole new ballgame if you showed up even five minutes later and the kid is sniffing those delicates, or god forbid wearing them. Even remnant pepper spray on the genitals can cause sever burning, swelling, bleeding… it’s bizarrely erotic and I have a feeling it would have been deeply uncomfortable for both of you (I hope, ha ha). In the future may I recommend placing a large, visible lock on the outside of your underwear drawer, clearly labeled “Daddy’s Privates”? I have found this to be an effective deterrent for kids. Of course, if the lock doesn’t work, I would suggest pepper spraying the child until his eyes bleed.

Thanks for sharing this “teachable moment.”

– Lt. John Pike

POP CULTURE: A CHRISTMAS SURPRISE (!)

I occasionally receive requests to discuss my take on popular culture here at Pike’s corner. The holiday season is upon us so I set aside a couple hours to watch a seasonal comedy that came highly recommended by my cousin Billy, Four Christmases. Billy is the cut up in the family, always cracking jokes and telling stories so I know his comedic inclinations are quite reliable. I just wish people would get off his ass about the drinking though. Usually his temper isn’t too bad. That’s not entirely true, especially around the holidays but if you ever met Vinessa you’d understand.

So imagine my surprise when I put the DVD in the player and all of a sudden a bunch of Arabs are running around tripping over each other like the brown Three Stooges, cracking jokes and building bombs. Turns out the ol’ Netflix sent me something called Four Lions instead. Great. Now I’m going to be on some terror watch list AND I’m not getting to watch Reese Witherspoon cut it up.

And before you write in, yes, I did check my Queue, and I absolutely had the right movie in there, right between The Proposal (Billy) and Valentine’s Day (looked funny, lotta faces I recognize). All in all this particular assignment was a disappointment, though my enjoyment of the Arab film has caused me to reevaluate certain aspects of my life. Don’t get me wrong, still planning to pepper spray kids until their eyes bleed, but this holiday season I may just surprise Billy with my own comedic inclinations when I drop the Arab movie in his stocking 😉

That would probably backfire horribly as Billy can be a terrifying bigot with special hatred for brown people. I’ll probably stick with a traveler of Makers.

Anyways check back soon for more popular culture reviews, and as always, lifestyle, home and pest control advice.

Happy Holidays,

– Lt. John Pike

SQUIRREL STEALING BIRDFEED: ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Reader HawkEye writes:

Any advice for getting rid of an obstinate squirrel who continually steals bird feed? I’ve tried rat poison. Got the birds, not the squirrel 😦

Try pepper spraying the squirrel until his eyes bleed.

– Lt. John Pike

HYBRID, ELECTRIC, OR GOOD ‘OL FASHIONED GAS GUZZLER?

Reader CarFacts1944 writes in with a dilemma we’re all going to be facing over the next twenty years:

Dear Lt. Pike,

I’m looking to get rid of my trusty pickup in favor of something a little more eco-friendly. I want to leave a better world to my grandkids. Any suggestions?

Thanks CarFacts1944, a couple suggestions: first, I get a little twitchy when I hear eco-friendly. I’m a campus police officer, make 120K a year riding around in a golf cart pepper spraying unsuspecting college kids until their eyes bleed. I’m not really into hippie-dippie stuff, but I’ll do my best. The Nissan Leaf looks cool. I think the guy from Iron Man does their commercials. Might be the guy from Tron. Did you see that movie? A lot of fun. Go with that.

Second, you want to leave the world a better place for your grandkids, invest in two things: kevlar and pepper spray. As a survivalist, I tend to interpret my lack of control over the world as a sign of chaos, which terrifies me, and I exorcise that terror through pepper spraying kids until their eyes bleed. I suggest you prepare yourself to do the same, because if when the big one hits it’s going to be every man for himself.

By the way, how old are the grandkids? I’m sure they’re adorable. I’d like to have a few of my own someday (to pepper spray until their eyes bleed).

Happy Holidays,

– Lt. John Pike

QUASH LIKE AN E-GYP-TIAN

Anybody have a hookup in the Egyptian security forces? I’d like to get in on that. Maybe an officer swap- do they have campus police over there? Dictators have all the fun 😦

BEEN CAUGHT CHEATIN!

Reader Tammy3000 writes:

Dear Lt Pike,

I recently caught my boyfriend of 9 yrs sending racy texts to a former high school girlfriend. What can I do to win back his affection? Although I’ve always been faithful, I do feel my recent enormous weight gain is partly responsible for the distance between us- it’s difficult to love a partner who doesn’t love herself, no?

Tammy3000- I wish it were as simple as pepper spraying your body issues away, but I fear the result of attempting that would just be skin irritation and maybe some internal bleeding. Instead, may I suggest pepper spraying his old girlfriend until her eyes bleed, ideally while your boyfriend watches. One final note- nine years? Maybe it’s time to pepper spray him until his eyes bleed, or at the very least consider moving out, to show him what he risks losing if he doesn’t step up and put a ring on it.

Best wishes,

– Lt. John Pike