Reader Tammy3000 writes:

Dear Lt Pike,

I recently caught my boyfriend of 9 yrs sending racy texts to a former high school girlfriend. What can I do to win back his affection? Although I’ve always been faithful, I do feel my recent enormous weight gain is partly responsible for the distance between us- it’s difficult to love a partner who doesn’t love herself, no?

Tammy3000- I wish it were as simple as pepper spraying your body issues away, but I fear the result of attempting that would just be skin irritation and maybe some internal bleeding. Instead, may I suggest pepper spraying his old girlfriend until her eyes bleed, ideally while your boyfriend watches. One final note- nine years? Maybe it’s time to pepper spray him until his eyes bleed, or at the very least consider moving out, to show him what he risks losing if he doesn’t step up and put a ring on it.

Best wishes,

– Lt. John Pike


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