Reader CarFacts1944 writes in with a dilemma we’re all going to be facing over the next twenty years:

Dear Lt. Pike,

I’m looking to get rid of my trusty pickup in favor of something a little more eco-friendly. I want to leave a better world to my grandkids. Any suggestions?

Thanks CarFacts1944, a couple suggestions: first, I get a little twitchy when I hear eco-friendly. I’m a campus police officer, make 120K a year riding around in a golf cart pepper spraying unsuspecting college kids until their eyes bleed. I’m not really into hippie-dippie stuff, but I’ll do my best. The Nissan Leaf looks cool. I think the guy from Iron Man does their commercials. Might be the guy from Tron. Did you see that movie? A lot of fun. Go with that.

Second, you want to leave the world a better place for your grandkids, invest in two things: kevlar and pepper spray. As a survivalist, I tend to interpret my lack of control over the world as a sign of chaos, which terrifies me, and I exorcise that terror through pepper spraying kids until their eyes bleed. I suggest you prepare yourself to do the same, because if when the big one hits it’s going to be every man for himself.

By the way, how old are the grandkids? I’m sure they’re adorable. I’d like to have a few of my own someday (to pepper spray until their eyes bleed).

Happy Holidays,

– Lt. John Pike


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