Reader SingleDadasof2003 writes:
Dear Lt. Pike –
I caught my 13 year old poking through my underwear drawer. Long story short, what’s the best way to get blood and pepper spray stains out of my delicates? Please don’t recommend I replace them all, money is tight. Will Oxyclean do the trick?
SingleDadasof2003: first, let me point out the obvious: if you didn’t immediately get your “delicates” into the wash, you could be in for some bad news. Second, I would be relieved that you interrupted the perp (kid) when you did. It would be a whole new ballgame if you showed up even five minutes later and the kid is sniffing those delicates, or god forbid wearing them. Even remnant pepper spray on the genitals can cause sever burning, swelling, bleeding… it’s bizarrely erotic and I have a feeling it would have been deeply uncomfortable for both of you (I hope, ha ha). In the future may I recommend placing a large, visible lock on the outside of your underwear drawer, clearly labeled “Daddy’s Privates”? I have found this to be an effective deterrent for kids. Of course, if the lock doesn’t work, I would suggest pepper spraying the child until his eyes bleed.
Thanks for sharing this “teachable moment.”
– Lt. John Pike