Category Archives: Pepper Spray


Lt. John Pike here. Readers are writing in in large numbers. I’m assuming this has something to do with recent current events. I’m of course talking about the rapidly approaching holidays. Whatever the reason, feel free to email questions, or post them in the comments below. No signup required. I will be writing with my homespun advice as often as possible. I’m of course a little busy these days (getting caught up on WNTW on the ‘ol DVR, ha ha) but will give each of your queries pepper spray consideration.

– Lt. John Pike


Subduing Feral Cats

Letter from a reader in east TX:

Dear Lt. Pike,

Any advice for subduing local feral cats? I live in rural east TX and we occasionally come across litters. Any advice for dispersing them?”

– Cat Issues

First, thanks for reaching out! Feral cats can be tricky. I would recommend pepper spraying them until their eyes bleed. They’ll scatter and quickly become prey for larger animals. If that fails, you could consider ignoring them, as they are harmless. But I would recommend pepper spraying them until their eyes bleed.

Happy Holidays,

– Lt. John Pike


Reader RockyTransAm writes in about the difficulties of raising teenagers in the digital era:

Dear Lt. Pike,

My boy won’t stop texting in the car, and the wife-unit wants me to talk to him man to man, do a little bonding, try to get him to appreciate the value of life, etc. Any advice for approaching the lad in a productive way, while imparting some wisdom upon him?

As someone who has witnessed the blossoming of the digital era on a college campus, I’m all too familiar with young people and their gadgets.  My suggestion would be imparting some pepper spray on him until his eyes bleed. However, it’s important to lecture him while pepper spraying him until his eyes bleed- this way every time he goes to text message while driving, he will retain what we call the “sense memory” of the last time he thought about texting while driving (I’m referring of course to when you pepper sprayed him until his eyes bled).

Best of luck,

– Lt. John Pike

Homeless Man A Real “Bum”mer

Reader CubeBro1979 writes in regarding a solution to the all-too-common homelessness problem in America’s cities:

…a homeless man recently made eye contact with my wife while touching his own genitals. I’ve seen him around. He hangs out (read: sleeps under boxes and pretends to use the pay phone- who is he kidding, really) behind our local Wendy’s. Any recommendations for keeping these quitters out of the street and getting them back to work??

CubeBro1979, I would recommend waiting for him at the pay phone then pepper spraying him until his eyes bleed.

– Lt. John Pike


Reader NurseJacque1964 writes in about her thankless but critical work caring for the elderly:

Dear Lt. Pike,

Long time reader, first time writer. I work with the elderly, and often have to assist in relocating them from the homes they have lived in for decades, into nursing homes or elder care facilities. They put up a good fight, don’t be fooled by their paper-thin skin and withered bones. Any advice for smoothing the transition (for me, I mean)?

Interesting. Have you tried pepper spraying them until their eyes bleed? I have found this eliminates the subject’s desire to resist, usually because their eyes are bleeding. I would be interested to know how this technique works for you, as most of my experience is with waif-like young women and assorted vegans. I have not, to date, pepper sprayed elderlies until their eyes bleed.

Happy Holidays,

– Lt. John Pike

Mailman Delivering After 5:00pm

Reader DeLaGoya34 writes in from Mesquite, NV about a delinquent mailman:

…He shows up at 5:00, 5:15, even at 5:20 on days with particularly inclement weather. Whatever happened to professional pride? Business hours end at 5:00pm. Any advice on ensuring I receive my mail at the PROPER time?

DeLaGoya34, have you tried pepper spraying your mailman until his eyes bleed? I have found this to be an effective technique for achieving most disciplinary ends. And, here’s a bit of “inside baseball,” I would recommend attending a weekend course in your region for security certification. This little piece of paper will make it very difficult to prosecute you for what would otherwise be considered a brutal, unprovoked first degree assault.

Regardless, try pepper spraying him until his eyes bleed. Mail will probably start arriving earlier. Possibly by a new carrier. But earlier.

Good tidings and happy holidays.

– Lt. John Pike

Kids Won’t Go To Bed On Time

Interesting points made by a reader in Ann Arbor:

Dear Lt. Pike,

My sons are 4 and 6, and have recently taken to refusing to go to bed on time. The oldest plants himself in front of the tv with arms crossed, pouting while they younger one simply imitates him (actually kind of adorable). After reading your blog, my husband and I decided to pepper spray them until their eyes bled. However, we found that pepper spraying one of them until his eyes bleed is just as effective as pepper spraying both of them until their eyes bleed, as it terrifies the other one into submission. Aside from the order this has reinstalled in our household, we are also saving money on pepper spray.

Excellent point in these trying economic times!

– Lt. John Pike