Reader DeLaGoya34 writes in from Mesquite, NV about a delinquent mailman:
…He shows up at 5:00, 5:15, even at 5:20 on days with particularly inclement weather. Whatever happened to professional pride? Business hours end at 5:00pm. Any advice on ensuring I receive my mail at the PROPER time?
DeLaGoya34, have you tried pepper spraying your mailman until his eyes bleed? I have found this to be an effective technique for achieving most disciplinary ends. And, here’s a bit of “inside baseball,” I would recommend attending a weekend course in your region for security certification. This little piece of paper will make it very difficult to prosecute you for what would otherwise be considered a brutal, unprovoked first degree assault.
Regardless, try pepper spraying him until his eyes bleed. Mail will probably start arriving earlier. Possibly by a new carrier. But earlier.
Good tidings and happy holidays.
– Lt. John Pike